It’s OK to Feel Afraid: Fear Is Not a Four-Letter Non-Spiritual Word

(Continued from yesterday’s post, Tele-Therapy Discount And an Important Announcement Regarding COVID-19)

While it’s true that fear does compromise your immune system, do not be ashamed of feeling afraid.

If you’re not afraid, though, great! I celebrate that! My personal intention is to fear not. In meditation, I keep getting the message that the fear that is arising for me and for all of us is a collective healing of fear programs.

But it is entirely normal to feel fear in a situation like we’re all in REGARDLESS of statistics, and regardless of whether or not the media is engaging in hype. Logic and emotion do not go hand in hand. Many of us have histories in which we have not felt safe as a result of some trauma. Current events can trigger old trauma. So be kind to yourself. Have compassion for what’s coming up for you emotionally these days.

Don’t let anyone bully you into feeling ashamed of how you feel. The truth is, there are people in the world right now who are bragging about their lack of fear in order to earn your approval and admiration. Others are disconnected from their own emotions and look down on those experiencing fear, because they haven’t acknowledged their own shadow. They weren’t allowed to show or feel emotion (or it wasn’t safe to do so) when they were growing up.

Still others engage in spiritual bypassing. For them, fear is a four-letter dirty word. They hail love and light and suppress their lower emotions.

Fear is not a sign of emotional or spiritual weakness. It signals that you are human.

Now read this carefully and notice how your body and emotions respond to the following words:

IT’S      OK      TO      FEEL      AFRAID.

I promise. It’s OK. Take a breath. As you exhale, send roots from your tailbone into the Earth.

You’re not alone. A lot of us are concerned—including those of us who don’t buy into the media hype.

Resistance to what you’re feeling creates more of what you’re resisting. In this case, fear increases (even if only subconsciously) and can show up physically (through belly aches, heartburn, etc.) or emotionally (like when you snap at someone or break into tears over something unrelated).

Love is the antidote to fear. So grab an object that represents any fear you may be feeling (I recommend a pillow). Hold it. Listen to what the fear has to say. Talk to it. Don’t try to convince it not to be scared. Acknowledge the fear. Say it’s OK to feel whatever it feels. Tell it you see it, you’re with it, and you’re going to take care of it. Ask it what it needs from you. Stay out of your head. Be in your heart.

Just so you know you’re not alone, I will share with you that I am afraid. The idea of being in quarantine triggers the heck out of me. I experience anxiety around doctors, pills, and hospitals. I’m afraid of a panicked public and empty store shelves.

I was so “off” on Sunday, I struggled to enjoy the warm, sunny day. So I called my sister, who struggles with anxiety, so that I could be in service and get out of my own head.

You know what happened? She answered the phone in a calm voice and began to tell me funny stories about people carrying cases of toilet paper from the grocery store to their cars. Rolls fell onto and all over the parking lot. Shoppers could barely fit the tissue in their vehicles, so they tied them to their roofs.

We giggled, shaking the fear from our nervous systems.

She shared that she was inexplicably centered and certain that everything was going to be OK. My nervous system calmed. I felt reconnected and was able to settle down and go to sleep.

You see? Love is the antidote to fear.

Call a friend or loved one. Hug your dog. Engage in a random act of kindness. Offer someone help, support, or assistance. Comfort someone else who is afraid. Heck, gift someone with a roll of toilet paper or a homemade bottle of hand sanitizer!

Be extra kind to yourself these days. Eat healthy. Sleep well. Laugh more. Minimize stress.

Take epsom or sea salt baths. Get outside. Take walks. Meditate. Watch a funny movie.

Naturopathic doctors are prescribing antiviral supplements and herbs like Sovereign Silver, Cat’s Claw, L-Lysine, and lemon balm. They recommend increasing your intake of fresh vegetables and fruit, supplementing with Ester-C, B-12 and Folate, as well as Zinc. But ALWAYS, always, always, check with your doctor to ensure that it’s safe for you to take any natural medicine or supplement, especially in combination with allopathic or other prescribed medicines.

One thing I know: we will be changed by this experience. We’ll be wiser. In fact, I consider this virus my newest teacher.

Never before have I ever felt more connected to my brothers and sisters around the world. We’re all in this together. And we have an opportunity now, all of us, to learn so much.

I personally am being shown how I can improve my grounding and centering practices. I’m learning patience with the people who lash out when under stress. I’m realizing it’s time to surrender my ideas of how the world should look and the way it ought to be. I’m intending to trust more and to have faith.

This is our opportunity to extend a level of compassion to ourselves and to our fellow humans regardless of race, color, creed, and yes, even political party. Perfect timing. Perhaps it took illness for us to see.…

So send love to each other tonight. For this is the next stage in our evolution.

All of you empaths out there, stay tuned: I’ll be posting here (and on my Musings page at BodyTalksTherapy.com) about how to ground and release the fear that is not yours. I gotta admit: I’m having to use my tools every few hours. The collective fear is a doozy energetically!

You’ve got this, my friends.

All my love,

—Allison Brunner, LCSW, Body Talks Therapy

Art Imitates Life in The Last Jedi: the Power to End the Battle Between the Light and the Dark Resides Within Us All (Part Two)

WARNING: Spoilers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi follow. Read at your own risk if you haven’t yet seen the movie.

When I was 9 and my sister 6 years old, a group of kids from the elementary school we’d just begun attending followed us home. They called us names and threatened physical harm. The intimidation escalated a week later as the girls chased us to our front door demanding we fight them. They tried to break in through windows where we stood defending ourselves with bug spray.

My sister and I told our mom, who paid a prompt visit to the children’s home to put a stop to the bullying. Their mother pushed and threatened to punch my mom who attempted to address the matter civilly. Later I learned that this same parent used physical violence daily to not only discipline her kids but to vent her frustrations and solve interpersonal disputes.

I cannot recall how the situation was resolved; I only know the confrontations ceased in our case (though not with our peers). The experience changed the way I perceived bullies, however. Every time I crossed paths with those kids in school, I felt sorry for them. They never seemed happy, and teachers didn’t seem fond of them. Eventually they were expelled due to continued misconduct. I saw through their inflated postures and defensiveness and sensed their pain.

This became the lens through which I viewed human behavior. I understood that almost no one is innately horrid. [i] Dig deeper into those who commit atrocities towards others, and you’ll find most perpetrators feel somehow afraid and unlovable. This doesn’t mean we tolerate nefariousness—that’s what healthy boundaries and a justice system focused on rehabilitation (preferably one like Norway’s) can address.

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love.”  —John Lennon

Part one of this article began exploring how we can end millennia of war and today’s increasing polarization between the light and the dark, as depicted in the Star Wars saga, including its most recent, The Last Jedi.

First, we realize that all humans have within us both light and dark. We see this in Episode V, Empire Strikes Back, when hero and Light warrior Luke Skywalker gives into his anger when fighting Darth Vader and consequently loses a hand. Shortly after, Darth Vader, the galaxy’s most villainous character after the Emperor, succumbs to the pull of empathy by saving his son’s life.

Second, with regard to nature vs. nurture, we understand that most who act like scoundrels are not born; they’re created. [i] (Read part one to understand this further.)

For centuries, we’ve seen each other as other. Each of us perceives at least one person or group as opposite us, a threat, someone with whom to compete or to overcome. But what if we experimented with the notion that we’re all the same fundamentally, connected by the heroism of being human, our imperfection, our power and our frailty, our love and desire to be loved, and in our fear of losing love or of being unlovable?

“To condemn you would be to condemn me, and we are the same. ”      —Garret John Loporto, How You Change People, Wayseer.org

If there is someone whom you despise, can you at least acknowledge that “the Force” is within each of us and all that lives (in the plant kingdom, animal kingdom, etc)? Recall the Hindu greeting Namaste, meaning I bow to the divine in you. It doesn’t mean you have to like those to whom you nod inwardly.

Once you’ve got that down, consider the ways in which you’ve participated in harming those you scorn, perhaps not personally but people who remind you of them.  Let’s consider some of the most obvious recipients since these are the object of worldwide focus.

U.S. President Donald Trump demands hefty doses of attention, praise, and validation, while his former rival, First Lady, and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, stands accused of dishonesty and corruption. Might there be someone in your life whom you’ve coddled or idealized, used to feel safe and loved or to build yourself up? Whom have you belittled for being authentic, attacked for being vulnerable, or teased for not measuring up to impossible standards? Whom have you emotionally or mentally hurt or neglected in the past?

We’ve all engaged in these types of behaviors. Waste not energy on self-blame or guilt. Rather, let’s take responsibility for the ways in which we can foster healing and bring our planet back into balance and harmony.

 

We could begin with the ancient Hawaiian prayer or mantra, Ho’oponopo, used traditionally to heal relationships between two or more people. It can also be used privately to heal your relationship with and forgive yourself or to send an intention to heal past hurts and traumas between you and another person or group.

It goes like this:

Please forgive me.

I’m so sorry.

I love you.

Thank you.

Don’t force it. Notice your emotional response. Is there resistance? If so, then simply say it to yourself. Be patient and kind with yourself. Let this be a practice, a journey.

Kylo: Did you come back to say you forgive me? To save my soul?

Luke: No.

[Kylo advances, drawing his lightsaber. Luke defends with his, and they fight.] 

Luke: I failed you, Ben. I’m sorry.

You may also enjoy this guided version.

Worldwide conflict will not end long-term until we’ve resolved the battle between light and dark within ourselves. It’s much easier to love our enemies, so to speak, when we’ve healed and learned to love ourselves.

Another favorite practice of mine is metta bhavana or loving-kindness mediation. For 15 or 20 minutes, breathe gently and recite the following to yourself:

May I be filled with lovingkindness.

May I be safe from inner and outer danger.

May I be free from suffering and healthy in body and mind.

May I be happy and at ease.

Feel each word and experience its effects in this now-moment. When you are full, either in this session or in a future one, extend the prayer to others, changing the “I” to “you” or “they.” Practice first on someone whom you love easily, until you feel able to pray for a national or world leader or someone you’ve labeled foe, for whom you struggle to find compassion.

May you be filled with lovingkindness.

May you be safe from inner and outer danger.

May you be free from suffering and healthy in body and mind.

May you be happy and at ease.

Prefer a guided meditation? Try this one.

Notice over time how your attitude towards others changes. You may even begin effortlessly to treat others with radical kindness.

What happens when someone’s poor behavior is met with grace instead of the shunning or criticism they expect? It confuses them. It even rewires their brain. If this occurs repeatedly, they begin to see themselves in a more positive light. Depending on the individual and how deep their wounds, it could take between a few days and an entire lifetime. Try not to think about how long the road ahead. Consider the power you have to in each interaction to make just a tiny bit of difference.

You have the power, with your love, to alchemize fear and hate and to light up the world, putting a stop to the cycle of fight, win-lose, peace, and more fighting. And don’t forget: you’re not the only real-life Jedi. There are thousands of us around the world who have chosen once and for all to put down our lightsabers and open our hearts. We don’t have to convince everyone. We need only to tip the scales.

That’s an ending I’d like to see in the Star Wars saga’s Episode IX. Does anyone have access to (and could share this with) J. J. Abrams?

—Allison Brunner, LCSW, Body Talks Therapy

[i] Oxford University Research Psychologist Kevin Dutton argues that between .75% and 1% of the human population is born with untreatable psychopathy or brain abnormalities precluding the Hannibal Lectors of the world from feeling empathy or remorse. For the purposes of this article, we’ve focused on the remaining 99% to 99.25%. As noted above, though, this is all about tipping the scales.