“How can I protect myself from other people’s energies?” I’m often asked in sessions with Highly Sensitive People and empaths.
The answer is that you don’t need to protect yourself; energy is energy. It’s neither good nor bad, positive nor negative, light nor dark or heavy. Labeling it as such gives it power over you.
Energy vibrates at varying frequencies: the energy flowing through each of us can move more slowly or quickly depending on our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. No particular frequency is right or wrong, better or worse. We each get to choose which to experience. (To read more about the vibration and frequency of emotions, read Be the Joy You Wish to See in the World.)
When you’re in the presence, though, of someone or a group of people whose energy vibrates much more slowly than yours, you may feel it—and yes, you may not enjoy the sensation. And that’s OK; it’s as normal as preferring a temperature of 75 degrees versus 95 Fahrenheit.
So step inside your own emotional-climate-controlled light bubble.
Harnessing the tremendous power of your mind, visualize an indigo-colored light bubble around you. Take your time and see it all around you, extending above and below and to your sides. Look out beyond it and notice that you’re perceiving the world as though through a colored lens. Notice your energy and the way that you feel and set the intention to maintain your vibe.
Make this as real for yourself as you can with all five of your senses and refresh it again later in the day, if necessary.
Take long, slow, deep breaths, imagining that each time you inhale you draw on qi, chi, or the Source of all life. You become bigger and brighter; each time you exhale you breathe that Source energy out into your environment. Feel that power and coming into and leaving your body; you are the conduit.
You are setting the energy temperature of the room rather than being a victim of it.
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In a future post, I’ll offer tools for how to deal with people who unknowingly try to suck energy from you rather than source it themselves.
Before I knew I was an empath, I used to think that I had an addictive personality. When stressed or overstimulated, I craved sweet, high-carb foods and alcohol—or anything to take the edge off of the way I was feeling. It wasn’t until I began exploring my emotions more mindfully that I realized that I’d been, without realizing, absorbing into my body the energy of distressed people with whom I worked closely. Regardless of how well my life was going or how much I loved my job, I often felt anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed at the end of each work day.
What I understand now is that emotional empaths and many highly sensitive people inadvertently pack on weight in order to protect themselves from negativity and the emotions of others. Food grounds the energetically sensitive person. Alcohol can reduce stress. It’s also a sedative that depresses the central nervous system and makes us vulnerable vibrationally to situations, people, or entities that could bring trouble.
But there are healthier ways we can cope and even break small addictions before they become big problems.
Allow self-love and compassion to motivate your desire to change. Guilt only compounds the stress that triggers cravings and the desire to engage in behaviors that aren’t for your greatest and highest good. Your worth as a human being is inherent; nothing you do or don’t do alters that. Commit to the following practice because you want to and deserve it—not because you should.
Decide in advance that you’re going to allow yourself 20 to 30 minutes to fully feel the desire to drink, smoke, overeat, engage in a toxic relationship—or whatever the behavior is—without giving into it. (If the desire to indulge hasn’t lessened by the end, then try again on another day or consider getting professional help if what you’re dealing with is chronic—but this strategy has also helped people in recovery.)
Observe and let go of thoughts and avoid labeling your experience. Don’t try to problem-solve the situation. Simply allow whatever arises from within.
Notice the physical sensations associated with the emotions that are present. Get curious and place even more awareness into the center of them. Notice whether they remain stable, intensify momentarily, or dissipate.
And breathe long, slow, deep breaths.
If you need to cry, go ahead. If you you’re agitated or irritable, squeeze your pinky fingers with the thumb, ring finger, and middle finger on the same hand (your index fingers are free) or try putting stronger emotions in your big toe to slow them down and release more slowly.
Say to yourself that there is nothing wrong with feeling. It’s OK to feel what you feel. You don’t have to act on it. You’re OK. You’ve got this.
Keep breathing.
This is the process of releasing. Remember, as I’ve pointed out in previous blogs, emotions move in waves. If you don’t grab onto them by thinking about and engaging with them and instead speak kind, soothing words to yourself, they will pass.
Next month, I’ll share with you more tools for standing in your own energy without taking on other people’s “stuff.” Meanwhile, check out “Own Your Own Space,” a guided meditation, published in my September 2017 blog post., “Hold Steady the Light: How Empaths Can Impact the World More Powerfully.”
Body Talks Therapy will once again host a new moon circle in rural Lititz on Saturday, August 11, from 6pm to 8pm! This time, I am honored to welcome and partner with members of Lancaster’s Wild Woman Project as their leader, Emily Alvarez, takes the day off to begin a new chapter in her life!
Some of you may know that while I’ve taken several months off from group events to focus on rest and self-healing, Emily graciously opened her circle to members of the BTT community. In gratitude for the nurturing, sisterhood, and sacredness her group offered over the past year, I will facilitate practices Emily includes such as guided meditation, journaling and/or drawing, oracle card reading, and group discussion and sharing.
This year’s New Moon in the sign of Leo affords the opportunity to reflect on leadership, creativity, and self-expression. During a small fire ceremony, we’ll shed obstacles to self-confidence and set the intention to step fully into our personal power.
Bring a journal or paper, pen, and your creative instrument of choice (your words; markers or paints; your voice or a musical instrument; dance shoes or bare feet; and any poem, essay, or song you’d like to share). Weather permitting, we’ll gather outside; thus I strongly urge you to bring your natural mosquito repellant and a blanket or chair to sit on.
Attendance is limited to whomever can fit into 10 cars since parking is limited. Therefore, please RSVP here in advance. If your ability to attend changes prior to the event, please update your response as soon as possible to allow others to fill your spot. A $10 donation is suggested but not required.
I am thrilled to see, listen to, share, laugh, and shed tears with all of you again in August!
Transcript of Feeling With Ease intro: You are listening to Feeling With Ease, a guided meditation to assist you in experiencing and releasing emotions. I offer this recording to benefit you in two ways. First, by allowing ourselves to feel our emotions without thinking about them we can eliminate struggle and reduce suffering. Second by allowing ourselves to feel what needs or wants to be felt, we can allow our emotions to keep moving and releasing in a healthy way instead of getting stuck or manifesting in physical problems. And we can trust that whatever arises is not a sign that something is wrong with us. Rather, it is an indication that we are healing.
We use this time now as an opportunity to offer healing space and awareness to our feelings without identifying with them or pushing them aside. It may be helpful for you to know that stronger emotions typically move through through us in waves. When we choose to ride a wave instead of fighting it we come out on the other side into stiller waters. See if you can allow yourself about 15 to 20 minutes to allow your stronger waves of emotions to move through you. Then shift your focus to something else entirely or rest if you need to.
If at any point during this meditation you feel anxious or increasingly uncomfortable please stop the recording and do not hesitate to reach out to a mental health care practitioner if you feel that you need the support. In most cases, listeners will notice that whatever we experience in life is more tolerable when we practice the following exercise.
However, if this is not the case your situation please know that everyone is unique. Gift yourself with the help or the support you need and come back to this meditation only when you feel it is appropriate for you. I encourage you to trust your individual process. If during this exercise you feel the urge to emote by crying, grunting, or making any sort of noise, please do so. If your body wants to move, I encourage you to listen to it and allow yourself the release.
Listen to the introduction and meditation here. Or listen to it without the introduction here.
(Editor’s note: I’ve used feminine pronouns (e.g., she) in this post for the sake of writing flow. They can be replaced with masculine or gender non-specific pronouns where appropriate.)
Place one hand on your belly and the other on your heart. Tune into yourself. Address yourself by name, then utter slowly, gently, pausing between sentences, “I’m here…I’m listening…I’m right here…I’m listening…I’m with you…I’m listening….”
Then wait. Notice your body’s response. Notice too the emotions that arise.
Who within hears the invitation to reconnect with you? See her in your mind’s eye. Is she making eye contact with you? What does she look like? Notice her posture. What is she doing?
There is a you inside of you that has been waiting for this moment for years (maybe decades), even if at first she seems distant, disinterested, suspicious, or even angry for being forgotten or avoided for so long. And she has much to show and tell you, much that she has longed to reveal to you and have you acknowledge compassionately and without judgment.
She is a part of you, split off during a time in your life that when it was too painful or traumatic to remain whole. She wants to be remembered and reintegrated. The reclamation of all fragmented aspects of Self is an ancient practice shamans refer to as soul retrieval. Carl Jung adopted the technique, calling it shadow work, when engaging with his clients. Later, practitioners in the field of mental health renamed it inner child work or healing the child within.
My personal journey included years of this practice in which I’ve healed and welcomed back aspects of myself split off throughout childhood. Some inner children, so to speak, required weeks of my attention and nurturing; others years. The majority of my own clients who read this will recognize the practice from our work together. They’ve recognized that with time, their younger selves began to trust their adult selves as emotional needs, unfulfilled by initial caretakers many years ago, are at last met by themselves.
How is this possible, you wonder?
Time is nonlinear. Our minds, perceiving only three dimensions, have constructed the concepts of past and future. In reality, all time exists simultaneously. Through the portal of the now-moment (which is the only “time” that exists), we can access parts of ourselves that are frozen in childhood, stuck in loops, or patterned, limiting behaviors or beliefs. We can go to our younger selves and validate, hold, comfort, and love them the way they have always needed, wanted, and deserved.
Each time you feel anxious, depressed, ashamed, insecure, unworthy, not enough, or unlovable, place a hand on your heart and one on your belly. Or grab and hold a pillow assigned to be your surrogate inner child. Close your eyes and see her in your mind’s eye, just as I’ve stated above, and connect with her. Be patient if at first she seems apprehensive.
Let her know that you love her, that you see her and feel what she’s feeling. Empathize with her, just as you would with a child for whom you care deeply. Say that it’s OK to feel what she feels, and don’t try to convince her to feel differently as so many of our parents used to do. Avoid the attempt to cheer her up, use logic to explain why she should feel differently, or snap her out of it.
Be with whatever she’s showing you and tell her you’re sorry she has been suffering. Speak soothingly, letting her know that she’s no longer alone. Depending on what she has experienced, she may want to hear you say you’re sorry, that you forgive her, that she didn’t deserve the hurts she endured, that you’re grateful for her, or that she did her best.
Tell her that she’s safe, if that’s what she needs. “I’m here now, and I’ll never leave. I promise to take care of you. I’ve got you now.” Explain to her that she survived whatever tragedies or hurts occurred in the past, emphasizing her strength and resilience. Invite her to take a look around your world to see for herself. Describe to her the wonderful things in your life now that she would appreciate.
Most important, ask her what she needs from you today. Ask every day. Check in with her frequently.
If at first you aren’t sure how to help her or struggle to feel compassion for her, promise her you’ll learn and seek help from a psychotherapist or someone else who is familiar with inner child work.
Feel silly holding a pillow and talking to it? Don’t worry: no one is looking. Slowly, I assure you, you, the adult, will benefit from the nurturing you offer those younger versions of you.
Some of you are already aware that since last summer, I’ve been engaged in some deep physical healing. I’ve postponed workshops and new moon gatherings for a least a year as I cultivate deeper inner stillness and silence in my down time. I’m not training to be a monk; I’m listening to my body.
She (my body) has added to her list of requests. With spring approaching, she wants some home-grown, organic food and more time with my fingers in dirt and skin in the sun.
There is no more beautiful a place to fulfill my body’s longings than at my own home in rural Lititz. There, I’ll be learning for the first time how to garden vegetables and herbs and able to take walks along Cocalico Creek between therapy sessions. After living in Philadelphia for 17 years, I’m excited to watch the earth shake winter from her slumber come March.
You’re going to love having sessions with me here in the countryside, where this magical land supports your healing as much as I do!
So you’ll notice that between now and July, I’ll offer more therapy appointments in rural Lititz. By July 1, I’ll no longer practice in downtown Lancaster. All appointments will be from my home office, a 7-minute (or 3.8-mile drive) from Route 222.
Please reach out to me between now and July if you have any questions or concerns. And I will continue to offer online sessions for those who prefer it—especially during inclement weather.
Following is a reprint of Mother Earth’s Embrace: A Natural Remedy for Anxiety, to accompany an mp3 I used to share with clients in need of support between one-on-one sessions. I hope you find it helpful and look forward to sharing another with you in the months to come.
Mother Earth’s Embrace: A Natural Remedy for Anxiety
Wrinkled brows, a tight jaw, and eyes wide with dilated pupils. Legs cross and uncross, fingers pick cuticles then press the forehead. Breath fills lungs then exits before reaching the stomach.
I observe the body language of a client seated across from me. Caught in the turbulence of her mind, she’s disconnected from the now-moment and her body.
She speaks rapidly, seeking safety in potential solutions too many to track. “What if” this and “maybe that?” Underneath what she’s saying, I hear, “If I just do that, I won’t have to feel this.”
Softly, I name what I’m sensing. Her eyes water in response. Her throat tightens, and she looks into her lap. Tears slide into the corners of her mouth. Energy flows through her body once more. She’d been holding on tightly and just needed a safe space to feel before moving into a calmer, more spacious state.
So many of us cope with our fears of feeling—and with our fears in general—by escaping into our minds and seeking solutions or distractions. It’s a behavior that helped us feel safer when we were too young, too small, or too vulnerable to deal directly with actual threats. Over time, this became habitual and we never learned that it was safe to simply feel.
But the mind is no refuge. It can create all sorts of thought forms, including worst-case scenarios to which our nervous systems respond as though the scenarios are happening right here and right now.
I invited my client, and I invite you, to soothe your frazzled nerves, ease your anxiety, and create a safe space to tolerate your emotions by engaging in an exercise I use daily, as frequently as necessary (you can’t overdose).
First, connect with your breath by simply noticing it. Then exhale, squeezing out the oxygen from your pulled-in abdomen so that when you again inhale, you fill your belly first and then your lungs. Notice the sensations in your body as you breathe. If you feel the urge to cry, to yell into a pillow, to grunt, to squeeze your pinky fingers with your ring fingers and thumbs, allow yourself the release.
Feel the heaviness of your body. Mother Earth holds you close to her through gravity. You’re safe; she won’t let you float away. Visualize this and track any emotional response.
Again notice your breath and your body’s weight, held up by Earth; she prevents you from falling through. Linger here for a while, noting the experience of being embraced and supported by Earth. See if you can take in her nourishment. What is it like?
Imagine your hearbeat in sync with the Earth’s. You are an extension of her, made of the same vitamins and minerals and nearly the same percentage of water. The stardust that comprises her is in you as well. Hang out with these truths for a a few minutes.
Extend your awareness to your five senses, noticing sounds, colors, smells, the taste of your mouth, the temperature of your skin. Remember your breath and that Earth breathes through you.
Explore the now. What is true in this moment? Not the next hour. Not even tomorrow or next year. Can you stay here a while longer? Can you carry the now-moment into the next moment, then into the next? Can you remember that this quality of presence, that this stillness, is available to you any time you need it?
Can you remember too that you don’t have to do any of this alone? You’re supported by something greater than yourself, that which is as miraculous and divine as you. Carry a photo of Earth with you as a resource, if it helps. Consider connecting with her directly when your feelings are more intense.
Nuzzle into a tree. Press your cheeks to some grass. Allow her to cool you with ocean waves or to blanket you in sunlight. She’ll never leave you. She’s here for you always.
(Download “Mother Earth’s Embrace” guided exercise on mp3 here.)
WARNING: Spoilers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi follow. Read at your own risk if you haven’t yet seen the movie.
When I was 9 and my sister 6 years old, a group of kids from the elementary school we’d just begun attending followed us home. They called us names and threatened physical harm. The intimidation escalated a week later as the girls chased us to our front door demanding we fight them. They tried to break in through windows where we stood defending ourselves with bug spray.
My sister and I told our mom, who paid a prompt visit to the children’s home to put a stop to the bullying. Their mother pushed and threatened to punch my mom who attempted to address the matter civilly. Later I learned that this same parent used physical violence daily to not only discipline her kids but to vent her frustrations and solve interpersonal disputes.
I cannot recall how the situation was resolved; I only know the confrontations ceased in our case (though not with our peers). The experience changed the way I perceived bullies, however. Every time I crossed paths with those kids in school, I felt sorry for them. They never seemed happy, and teachers didn’t seem fond of them. Eventually they were expelled due to continued misconduct. I saw through their inflated postures and defensiveness and sensed their pain.
This became the lens through which I viewed human behavior. I understood that almost no one is innately horrid. [i] Dig deeper into those who commit atrocities towards others, and you’ll find most perpetrators feel somehow afraid and unlovable. This doesn’t mean we tolerate nefariousness—that’s what healthy boundaries and a justice system focused on rehabilitation (preferably one like Norway’s) can address.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love.” —John Lennon
Part one of this article began exploring how we can end millennia of war and today’s increasing polarization between the light and the dark, as depicted in the Star Wars saga, including its most recent, The Last Jedi.
First, we realize that all humans have within us both light and dark. We see this in Episode V, Empire Strikes Back, when hero and Light warrior Luke Skywalker gives into his anger when fighting Darth Vader and consequently loses a hand. Shortly after, Darth Vader, the galaxy’s most villainous character after the Emperor, succumbs to the pull of empathy by saving his son’s life.
Second, with regard to nature vs. nurture, we understand that most who act like scoundrels are not born; they’re created. [i] (Read part one to understand this further.)
For centuries, we’ve seen each other as other. Each of us perceives at least one person or group as opposite us, a threat, someone with whom to compete or to overcome. But what if we experimented with the notion that we’re all the same fundamentally, connected by the heroism of being human, our imperfection, our power and our frailty, our love and desire to be loved, and in our fear of losing love or of being unlovable?
If there is someone whom you despise, can you at least acknowledge that “the Force” is within each of us and all that lives (in the plant kingdom, animal kingdom, etc)? Recall the Hindu greeting Namaste, meaning I bow to the divine in you. It doesn’t mean you have to like those to whom you nod inwardly.
Once you’ve got that down, consider the ways in which you’ve participated in harming those you scorn, perhaps not personally but people who remind you of them. Let’s consider some of the most obvious recipients since these are the object of worldwide focus.
U.S. President Donald Trump demands hefty doses of attention, praise, and validation, while his former rival, First Lady, and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, stands accused of dishonesty and corruption. Might there be someone in your life whom you’ve coddled or idealized, used to feel safe and loved or to build yourself up? Whom have you belittled for being authentic, attacked for being vulnerable, or teased for not measuring up to impossible standards? Whom have you emotionally or mentally hurt or neglected in the past?
We’ve all engaged in these types of behaviors. Waste not energy on self-blame or guilt. Rather, let’s take responsibility for the ways in which we can foster healing and bring our planet back into balance and harmony.
We could begin with the ancient Hawaiian prayer or mantra, Ho’oponopo, used traditionally to heal relationships between two or more people. It can also be used privately to heal your relationship with and forgive yourself or to send an intention to heal past hurts and traumas between you and another person or group.
It goes like this:
Please forgive me.
I’m so sorry.
I love you.
Thank you.
Don’t force it. Notice your emotional response. Is there resistance? If so, then simply say it to yourself. Be patient and kind with yourself. Let this be a practice, a journey.
Kylo: Did you come back to say you forgive me? To save my soul?
Luke: No.
[Kylo advances, drawing his lightsaber. Luke defends with his, and they fight.]
Luke: I failed you, Ben. I’m sorry.
You may also enjoy this guided version.
Worldwide conflict will not end long-term until we’ve resolved the battle between light and dark within ourselves. It’s much easier to love our enemies, so to speak, when we’ve healed and learned to love ourselves.
Another favorite practice of mine is metta bhavana or loving-kindness mediation. For 15 or 20 minutes, breathe gently and recite the following to yourself:
May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer danger.
May I be free from suffering and healthy in body and mind.
May I be happy and at ease.
Feel each word and experience its effects in this now-moment. When you are full, either in this session or in a future one, extend the prayer to others, changing the “I” to “you” or “they.” Practice first on someone whom you love easily, until you feel able to pray for a national or world leader or someone you’ve labeled foe, for whom you struggle to find compassion.
May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe from inner and outer danger.
May you be free from suffering and healthy in body and mind.
May you be happy and at ease.
Prefer a guided meditation? Try this one.
Notice over time how your attitude towards others changes. You may even begin effortlessly to treat others with radical kindness.
What happens when someone’s poor behavior is met with grace instead of the shunning or criticism they expect? It confuses them. It even rewires their brain. If this occurs repeatedly, they begin to see themselves in a more positive light. Depending on the individual and how deep their wounds, it could take between a few days and an entire lifetime. Try not to think about how long the road ahead. Consider the power you have to in each interaction to make just a tiny bit of difference.
You have the power, with your love, to alchemize fear and hate and to light up the world, putting a stop to the cycle of fight, win-lose, peace, and more fighting. And don’t forget: you’re not the only real-life Jedi. There are thousands of us around the world who have chosen once and for all to put down our lightsabers and open our hearts. We don’t have to convince everyone. We need only to tip the scales.
That’s an ending I’d like to see in the Star Wars saga’s Episode IX. Does anyone have access to (and could share this with) J. J. Abrams?
[i] Oxford University Research Psychologist Kevin Dutton argues that between .75% and 1% of the human population is born with untreatable psychopathy or brain abnormalities precluding the Hannibal Lectors of the world from feeling empathy or remorse. For the purposes of this article, we’ve focused on the remaining 99% to 99.25%. As noted above, though, this is all about tipping the scales.
WARNING: Spoilers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi follow. Read at your own risk if you haven’t yet seen the movie.
When will the fight between the dark and the light end once and for all, I wondered wearily while watching The Last Jedi a few weeks ago. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the film; I loved it. The epic battle provides a backdrop for sage wisdom from brilliantly archetypal characters we love and with whom we can relate.
It also reminded me of the world we live in, our current state of affairs, and that for millennia we’ve engaged in the same dramas but have worn different uniforms representing different campaigns, time and time again. They’ve all led to the same results: winners and losers. An imposed peace and quiet follow for a period—until tension and intolerance build and fighting recommences.
We’ve lived in a world of duality (good vs evil, right vs wrong, Left vs Right) for thousands of years. It plays out on the international stage and we see it in the news every day. People speak passionately about and promote their causes and dress down those with whom we disagree via shouting matches, video and written blogs, arguments on social media, and behind each other’s backs.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to move on.
“We’re going to win this war, not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.” —Rose Tico, The Last Jedi
When I was a little girl, I threw temper tantrums. When imperfect, I lost patience with myself and wallowed in self-loathing. My mother, whose nerves I’d wear thin with my brooding and crying, would note how my behavior reminded her of my hot-headed father. She’d left him when I was 5, and I knew there was no love lost in that separation. Therefore, I interpreted her remarks as “When you act like your father, you’re unlovable.”
Add to that messages I received in church or in Catholic school, that when I did not follow the Ten Commandments or behave the way Jesus would in each moment of my human life, I put myself at risk for being abandoned to the fires of hell. God loves us, the priests proclaimed (but only when we’re good). Die with sin-stained souls, and “He” will damn us for eternity.
Thus intensified the war within me and my own black-and-white perception of the world. I strove to be flawless; when I failed, self-hatred intensified. When others did not live according to the high morals of Christian doctrine, I judged them. In fact, sometimes it was easier to evaluate others than to contend with my own insecurities.
And so it is for most human beings, including our beloved Star Wars heroes.
Upon sensing great darkness in Kylo Ren, Luke Skywalker pulled back in fear and almost killed him. Not unlike Luke, we abhor others’ shadows, because we’re averse to our own. As the battle rages within each human being, it persists globally.
You may have heard of Harvard professor and psychologist Robert Rosenthal, who, in 1964, conducted a study on how teachers’ expectations affected student performance. Teachers tended to smile, exhibit patience, and nod approvingly at students whom they were told had higher IQs. Students internalized their teachers’ warm attitudes towards them and thus increased their IQ scores.
Imagine how we must look at and interact with people from whom we expect the worst and how it affects their self-image and behavior. Awakening to the sight of his own uncle poised with a light saber pointed at Kylo’s head reinforced the younger man’s belief that he was some kind of monster—thus motivating Kylo to take up his light saber in service of darkness.
“What you stand witness for in others is strengthened in them by the power of your observation. When you look for the worst in someone, when you make them wrong in your mind, when you refuse to see the best in them, you are committing a spiritual assault of the worst kind. For you are testifying against their ability to choose the light, standing witness for the darkness in them and strengthening its power over their heart and mind.
“If you’ve ever face a hostile crowd, a hostile cop, a hostile lover, you’ve felt the destructive force of another’s contempt for you. Do not give into this way of seeing. Stand witness for the light in others. The unassailable divine spark forever shines in the hearts of every man, woman, and child just waiting to be called forward.”
That divine spark is the Force, so to speak, and it’s within each of us. So too is the power to choose whether to use it in service of self or for the greatest good of all—and the survival of all humans and our planet depends, in this very lifetime, not only on the choices each of us makes; the way we interact with and see each other will determine whether we usher in a final era of cataclysmic destruction or of everlasting unity.
Luke: What do you see?
Rey: The island. Life. Death and decay, that feeds new life. Warmth. Cold. Peace. Violence.
Luke: And between it all?
Rey: Balance and energy. A force.
Luke: And inside you?
Rey: Inside me, that same force.
As art imitates life and vice versa, Rey represents all of us. She holds the power to free Kylo (who too represents all of us)—and thus the galaxy—from the clenches of his inner demons. It was apparent when the two saw and communicated with each other beyond third-dimensional space-time that it was she, his equal, in whom the Force runs equally strong, who could see most clearly through Kylo’s layers of hurt and pain into his true self. In doing so, she was the one who came closest to melting the ice around his heart.
Rey to Kylo: “You don’t have to do this. I feel the conflict in you. It’s tearing you apart.”
That ability lies within each of us for each other.
In my teens through mid-thirties, I was diagnosed with severe and recurrent Major Depressive Disorder as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. A well-meaning friend who witnessed me struggle to get through my days recommended a then-popular book by Dr. Wayne Dyer, though I can’t recall its title. Its premise was that if you simply change your thoughts, you can change your reality.
I devoured chapter after chapter while riding the bus to and from work one day, hopeful that something so simple might be the solution to lifelong anguish.
Aspiring to be among Dr. Dyer’s best students, I thought about happiness, well-being, and churning out articles that that would knock my boss’s and editor-in-chief’s socks off at the magazine publisher that employed me. I also envisioned a few rainbows and unicorns for good measure.
But the dark clouds remained fixed in my world, and where I expected beautiful, white legendary creatures, I met horned inner demons who seemed to get louder and more intimidating the more I tried to ignore them. My boss too remained unimpressed with my moodiness and its impact on my ability to meet work deadlines.
I tossed Dr. Dyer’s book and opted instead for more psychotherapy with someone who warned me against the pitfalls of esoteric teachings that promote spiritual bypassing, a term coined by Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist John Welwood in the 1980s. It refers to, in Welwood’s words, a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” [i]
What happens when you repeat affirmations or chant mantras in the mirror about how lovable, powerful, or abundant you are, for instance, while squashing beliefs that you’re loathsome, weak, and lacking? Or worse, what occurs when you ignore the chest pains, jaw clenching, gut pangs, or other ways your body tries to communicate to you that something within is out of alignment?
Remember American Beauty character Carolyn, the ambitious real estate broker and disdaining wife who drove around listening to motivational speeches on tape. She did what so many of us have been taught to do: think positive and visualize success while never acknowledging thoughts and emotions that indicate otherwise. Some of us were taught by our parents and other authority figures to buck up, get over it, snap out of it, move on, look on the bright side, find the silver lining, make lemonade out of lemons, and so on.
If you understand human nature, you picked up on the fact that Carolyn believed deep-down that she was unworthy or unlovable. She had minimal awareness of her true self, which lay hidden beneath the layers of “I’m not enough” buried in her subconscious.
She drove underground and disowned the aspects of herself she feared would keep her from the “worthier” tribes of society. But you can’t hide from your own shadow indefinitely. When you try, it either comes out sideways or in emotional breakdowns like this one:
or this one:
What lies buried within our shadow can contort and fester if ignored long enough. It can manifest later as chronic mental- and physical-health problems or in judgments and behaviors towards others that are cruel, passive aggressive, dishonest, or manipulative.
Carolyn needed help. Either from herself or with the guidance of a nonjudgmental witness or professional guide (a psychotherapist, shaman, or other depth worker) who has done her own shadow work and knows his or her way around the dark. Carolyn needed to turn off the positive thinking tapes and spend some time bringing the light of awareness and compassion to the hurt aspects of herself that she’d disowned.
Such leaders in the positive thinking communities as the late Louise Hay, Dr. Dyer, and Jerry Hicks, as well as Hicks’ living wife, Esther, were not wrong when they professed that our thoughts create our reality. But this truth is a little more complex than most of us who study the Law of Attraction have interpreted it.
You can think with your conscious mind all you want to about success, as Carolyn did. But that which remains buried in the subconscious can be an equally if not more powerful point of attraction—because what we deny and resist pushes back with equal force and is mirrored back to us by our external life circumstances.
Success, healthy relationships, fulfilling work and careers, financial wellness, and the like come to those who know that their personal value is not dependent on them but that they deserve to live full and happy lives.
And yet even this is an oversimplified explanation of the more complex Law of Attraction. For the purposes of this article, however, I’ll leave you with this.
What does happen when you speak or hear the positive statements many people use as affirmations or to override the shadow that lurks beyond the light? Take a deep breath, tune into yourself, and simply notice what emotions arise when you read a few statements below. Work with each individually and take notes.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are enough.
It’s OK to be imperfect.
Notice where in your body you experience any emotional responses and the physical sensations that accompany them. Place your awareness, if it’s tolerable, right into the emotions or physical sensations. What else comes up for you? Images? Memories? More emotion? Non-logical thoughts that are the breadcrumbs to a deeper layer?
These are aspects of you that have wanted your acknowledgement and healing for either many years or for most of your life. Can you witness what you’ve discovered with a balance of detachment and deep compassion, as though you were listening to a dear friend or loved one?
Imagine sitting around a fire next to them for no more than 20 minutes, holding space for what arises. Let these aspects tell you their story. Allow them to feel what they feel and you to feel what you feel as well. All the while, breathe long, slow breaths of self-love and compassion right into the center of what may feel uncomfortable.
If the intensity of the emotions or the stories these aspects of you have to share are too intense, stop the exercise and seek the assistance of a counselor, mental health practitioner, somatic therapist, shaman, or other depth worker. (Please note that this exercise is contraindicated for people with deeper trauma or a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex PTSD, psychotic disorders, or dissociative disorders).
If you have questions about how the exercise works, send me an e-mail.
Harnessing the tremendous power of your mind, visualize an indigo-colored light bubble around you. Take your time and see it all around you, extending above and below and to your sides. Look out beyond it and notice that you’re perceiving the world as though through a colored lens. Notice your energy and the way that you feel and set the intention to maintain your vibe.
She is a part of you, split off during a time in your life that when it was too painful or traumatic to remain whole. She wants to be remembered and reintegrated. The reclamation of all fragmented aspects of Self is an ancient practice shamans refer to as soul retrieval. Carl Jung adopted the technique, calling it shadow work, when engaging with his clients. Later, practitioners in the field of mental health renamed it inner child work or healing the child within.
I observe the body language of a client seated across from me. Caught in the turbulence of her mind, she’s disconnected from the now-moment and her body.
Awakening Sensitives 